{ that time I found a lump in my breast }

If you've been reading my blog for awhile now, you'll remember a few summers ago when I posted about my mom's breast cancer. You can read all about it here. My maternal grandmother had it too, and because of this, I regularly check myself - just in case.

I'm a paranoid person by nature (remember when I thought my house was haunted and when I let WebMD talk me into thinking I was dying?!) and when I do the self breast exams, I always think I feel a lump here and there. I push and prod and compare it to the other side, but it's usually nothing I worry about. Sometimes I mention that I thought I felt a lump during my annual exam, but the doctor feels and says they're just fine - nothing to be concerned about.

Well about a week ago, I was showering and felt a dime size, hard ball in my right breast. I froze. I felt it again. It wasn't like any other "lump" I'd felt before. I compared it to the other side in the same spot. No, lump on the left. Panic immediately overcame my body and I started bawling. Suddenly visions of IV bags, hair falling out, and my family rushed through my head. I thought of my son and about lost it. Luckily, the tiny, reasonable side of me came out and slapped my panic across the face. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" I took a deep breath and made myself calm down. One step at a time, Shan. I couldn't let myself get carried away again and as soon as my hands were dry enough to hold my phone, I called my doctor.

As luck would have it, I was able to get in right away with my gynecologist. Maybe it was because the receptionist heard the panic in my voice when I told her I needed an appointment, or maybe it was because my voice cracked and I started crying when I told her it was for a breast check - either way I was so grateful to get in!

When I got to the doctor office, they took me back right away and had me change into a tiny paper gown blouse and then I waited....and waited...and waited. I was so nervous and swallowing the ever growing lump in my throat was getting harder to do. But, because I was nervous, I was getting sweaty, which meant I was getting swoob (sweaty boobs), which is NOT good when someone is about to feel you up to confirm what you think you feel. I quickly grabbed some tissues and of course, as luck would have it, the doctor walked in right as I was mopping myself up - HA.

I told her what I had felt and held my breath as pointed to the area I felt the lump and waited, watching her face as she felt for it. I knew the minute she found it. She paused, her brow furrowing, as she compared the other side. She felt again and said, "Hmmmm...." She sat me up and my heart started pounding when she did feel something unusual, BUT  it felt like a smooth lump (I guess the bad ones aren't smooth?) Probably nothing to worry about, but she was going to have me get it checked just in case. I walked out of the office and again, my mind raced with all the possibilities and I started to cry.

Because of Presidents Day, I had to wait until Tuesday for my appointment. I was thankful for a busy weekend that took my mind off the pending appointment, and I hadn't let myself think about it too much. My neighbor was gracious enough to offer to sit at my house while Baker napped, so I could go to my appointment, and when I pulled into the hospital parking lot, all I could think was that the next hour or so could bring life changing news. The anticipation of relief or heartbreak was too much and I wished I had someones hand to hold as I walked in.

I never imagined myself going into the Womens Imaging Center at the hospital until I was older. I'm 31. I figured the first time I'd visit was when I turned 40 for my first mammogram, so it felt odd as I checked in and then changed into a hospital gown with the open side in front. Instead of a mammogram, my doctor ordered an ultrasound and the tech who performed it was so sweet and so kind. She validated my concern, but she assured me that most of the time, it's nothing. Still, she said, it was best to check, just in case. She began the ultrasound over the area I told her the lump was. I watched the monitor in anticipation, unable to decipher what I was seeing. Everything looked normal to her - it was just a regular boob lump, as boobs tend to be lumpy. Relief flooded over me and I was feeling better as she examined my whole breast.

Suddenly, she stopped moving the ultrasound wand over a specific area of my breast and started snapping screens shots of whatever it was she saw. She pointed to a little oval area on the screen and explained that it looked different. My heart sunk. Then she measured it on the screen, the way the measure the fetus when you're getting a pregnancy ultrasound. When she told me she needed to talk with a doctor to see what he thought, I once again started to cry. It was in an area that I wouldn't have been able to feel it as it was pretty deep, and my mind carried away and I thought for sure God had made the lump in my boob so I could feel it so they could find this other area I wouldn't have been able to feel. I prepared myself for the worst, when the tech came back in. She said the doctor said it looked fine. Nothing to worry about. I was fine. No cancer. I am healthy. And then I cried.

{all this for a baby part 1}

Before I get into what I've been up to lately, I wanted to say thank you for all of your sweet, encouraging, supportive, and loving comments. The love that's been felt is overwhelming we're so grateful for your prayers and sweet words! Mom's surgery went well, but the battle isn't over yet. I've learned that in life, nothing is as ever as easy as it seems. At least in my life. Like, you can't just go on a nice 'n easy road trip and go camping. Nope. In my family, the transmission on the minivan goes out in 90 degree weather in Fresno, causing a 2 day detour in the camping trip. You can't just go in for an easy lumpectomy and be cancer free. And you (and by you, I mean I) can't just make whoopee and get pregnant.

*sigh* There's always something!

The road to getting pregnant has been a winding, uphill battle filled with lots of mood swings (my poor husband), pain, and tears. It is seriously the most frustrating thing I've ever dealt with. Why is it so easy for some people to get and stay pregnant and impossible for others? I could talk about that until I'm blue in the face, but for now, I'll just share a few experiences as of late...

When I first met with my fertility doctor (Dr. Blauer- he's amazing!) he mapped out this big plan for us to follow in hopes of me getting preggers. One of the stops on the plan was to get an ultrasound on day 4 of my cycle. Now, I've never had an ultrasound, but I've seen movies and I basically knew how it worked. You pull up your shirt, they squirt gel on your stomach, and rub a microphone on your belly, right? Boy was I wrong!

When it was my turn the nurse took me back to the exam room. She had a thick, hispanic accent and I didn't really understand when she said, "Okay, so you gottatamponin?"

"Umm...what?"

"A tampon. You gotta tampon in?"

"Oh...umm. Yes. I'm still on my period."

"Thas good. Okay, so go ahead and take it out an put it in there." She pointed to a trash can with a hazard sign on it. I stood there with a stupefied look on my face. Seriously?! Just take it out right here!? She must have read the shock on my face because then she said, "Oooh...okay, you can a use the bathroom if you want."

I used the bathroom and figured that when they did the ultrasound, they didn't want anything in me. "I guess that's normal," I thought. Then I came back into the exam room and the nurse said, "Okay, so go ahead and undress from the waist down and Ima gonna be right back."

That's when a bit of panic set in and my mind screamed "WHA!?" I wasn't expecting to take my pants off. Is this how they're doing ultrasounds these days? My mind was whirling. I had just taken off my undies and hadn't even had a chance to sit on the exam table and cover myself, when the nurse walked back in, seeing me in all my nakie glory. I gasped and quickly crossed my legs and used my hands to cover myself. She scrambled back out of the room, closed the door, and then knocked and re-entered, giving me just enough time to cover myself with the giant paper towel they give you (that barely covers).

The nurse was probably a bit embarrassed (not half as much as I was) because she started talking fast and gave a nervous laugh. "Haha- sorry! Sometimes I tell people, 'Okay, you undress and I be back!' and then I forget how long and come back too quick and is like 'Hello! Oops!"

Yeah- oops! At this point, I was sitting right next to the ultrasound machine and was face to face with a wand that had a giant condom over it. Suddenly, everything made sense and panic set it. "Ohmuhgosh....this is a vaginal ultrasound!?" Surprise! I had no idea. No warning. And I hadn't really prepared for it. Not just mentally prepared, but prepared, prepared if you know what I mean.

By then it was too late for any preparations...mentally or not. The doctor came in & pulled out the stirrups to set my feet in. My heart was beating faster and I felt like the room was spinning. I has worn shoes that day with no socks (hello stinky feet), and of course I'd taken my shoes off when she told me to undress from the waist down, so placing my feet in the stirrups by the doctors face was the last thing I wanted to do, let alone have my who-ha in plain sight too.

Apparently, I was sitting too far back on the exam table because the nurse kept saying, "Okay, scooch down....a little further...a little more...keep coming..." and I moved down until I felt like I was going to slide off the table. I kept thinking, "Why don't they just make the tables small, with a big X where your bum is supposed to go? Why make a big table when you're only utilizing 1/3 of it?"

Before I knew it, I was looking at a screen that showed my uterus and ovaries. I honestly couldn't tell what I was looking at, but the doctor tried my best to point out what we were looking at.

"Here's your uterus," he'd say, pointing to a blob on the screen. "It's a bit tilted, but that's pretty common....Oh! Here are your ovaries!" and I'd see another blurb on the screen. "Hmmm...see these?" I squinted at the screen. I wanted to say no, because I really had no clue what I was looking at, but I said, "Uh...yeah!" as convincingly as I could. "Those are cysts. You have about 25 on each ovary." That explains the PCOS, I guess.

He moved the wand around this way and that, pointed out more blurbs, measured this and that, and then it was over. When they left the room, I got up, got dressed, and couldn't look anyone in the eye. To be honest, I'm not sure if the cysts are a problem. I don't even really know why they scheduled the ultrasound. I plan on asking more questions the next time I see him, but at the time, I was still in shock.

A week later, I was at the doctors again...this time for the HSG test. More on that later. The moral of this story? Be prepared! Not just for natural disasters, but for gynecological surprises too!