{ that time I found a lump in my breast }

If you've been reading my blog for awhile now, you'll remember a few summers ago when I posted about my mom's breast cancer. You can read all about it here. My maternal grandmother had it too, and because of this, I regularly check myself - just in case.

I'm a paranoid person by nature (remember when I thought my house was haunted and when I let WebMD talk me into thinking I was dying?!) and when I do the self breast exams, I always think I feel a lump here and there. I push and prod and compare it to the other side, but it's usually nothing I worry about. Sometimes I mention that I thought I felt a lump during my annual exam, but the doctor feels and says they're just fine - nothing to be concerned about.

Well about a week ago, I was showering and felt a dime size, hard ball in my right breast. I froze. I felt it again. It wasn't like any other "lump" I'd felt before. I compared it to the other side in the same spot. No, lump on the left. Panic immediately overcame my body and I started bawling. Suddenly visions of IV bags, hair falling out, and my family rushed through my head. I thought of my son and about lost it. Luckily, the tiny, reasonable side of me came out and slapped my panic across the face. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" I took a deep breath and made myself calm down. One step at a time, Shan. I couldn't let myself get carried away again and as soon as my hands were dry enough to hold my phone, I called my doctor.

As luck would have it, I was able to get in right away with my gynecologist. Maybe it was because the receptionist heard the panic in my voice when I told her I needed an appointment, or maybe it was because my voice cracked and I started crying when I told her it was for a breast check - either way I was so grateful to get in!

When I got to the doctor office, they took me back right away and had me change into a tiny paper gown blouse and then I waited....and waited...and waited. I was so nervous and swallowing the ever growing lump in my throat was getting harder to do. But, because I was nervous, I was getting sweaty, which meant I was getting swoob (sweaty boobs), which is NOT good when someone is about to feel you up to confirm what you think you feel. I quickly grabbed some tissues and of course, as luck would have it, the doctor walked in right as I was mopping myself up - HA.

I told her what I had felt and held my breath as pointed to the area I felt the lump and waited, watching her face as she felt for it. I knew the minute she found it. She paused, her brow furrowing, as she compared the other side. She felt again and said, "Hmmmm...." She sat me up and my heart started pounding when she did feel something unusual, BUT  it felt like a smooth lump (I guess the bad ones aren't smooth?) Probably nothing to worry about, but she was going to have me get it checked just in case. I walked out of the office and again, my mind raced with all the possibilities and I started to cry.

Because of Presidents Day, I had to wait until Tuesday for my appointment. I was thankful for a busy weekend that took my mind off the pending appointment, and I hadn't let myself think about it too much. My neighbor was gracious enough to offer to sit at my house while Baker napped, so I could go to my appointment, and when I pulled into the hospital parking lot, all I could think was that the next hour or so could bring life changing news. The anticipation of relief or heartbreak was too much and I wished I had someones hand to hold as I walked in.

I never imagined myself going into the Womens Imaging Center at the hospital until I was older. I'm 31. I figured the first time I'd visit was when I turned 40 for my first mammogram, so it felt odd as I checked in and then changed into a hospital gown with the open side in front. Instead of a mammogram, my doctor ordered an ultrasound and the tech who performed it was so sweet and so kind. She validated my concern, but she assured me that most of the time, it's nothing. Still, she said, it was best to check, just in case. She began the ultrasound over the area I told her the lump was. I watched the monitor in anticipation, unable to decipher what I was seeing. Everything looked normal to her - it was just a regular boob lump, as boobs tend to be lumpy. Relief flooded over me and I was feeling better as she examined my whole breast.

Suddenly, she stopped moving the ultrasound wand over a specific area of my breast and started snapping screens shots of whatever it was she saw. She pointed to a little oval area on the screen and explained that it looked different. My heart sunk. Then she measured it on the screen, the way the measure the fetus when you're getting a pregnancy ultrasound. When she told me she needed to talk with a doctor to see what he thought, I once again started to cry. It was in an area that I wouldn't have been able to feel it as it was pretty deep, and my mind carried away and I thought for sure God had made the lump in my boob so I could feel it so they could find this other area I wouldn't have been able to feel. I prepared myself for the worst, when the tech came back in. She said the doctor said it looked fine. Nothing to worry about. I was fine. No cancer. I am healthy. And then I cried.

{ seattle }

Andrew has been traveling for work this summer quite a bit. People ask me how I do it, and I tell them I just do it. I'm used to it. 

Plus, honestly, once I said to myself, "Okay, Shan. This is what you have to do. This is a sacrifice, but you're strong and independent and you can do it." I was fine. 

I've got my little routine down, but there are days when Baker is fussy and it's hard. Those are the days I can really empathize with single mom. It's not easy doing it on your own.

Andrew had already been gone for a week when he called me and said his trip was extended another week. I'll be honest, I was buggin when he first told me. I hate last minute changes like that. I'm a planner, and I like to know what's around the next corner. But alas, life isn't a road map. You just have to roll with the punches, so that's what we did. 

I needed a break and we missed Andrew terribly, so I used my sky miles, and Baker and I flew up to visit Daddy for a few days. 

I was nervous to travel by myself with Baker, but I figured people fly with babies all the time, so why not me? Still, I prayed he'd be good so I could avoid the evil eye from other passengers. Luckily, my prayers were answered and he did great (well, as good as can be expected from a baby).

Here are my tips for parents traveling with babies. 

Sit at the back of the plane if you can. That way, you can get out and stand up without being in anyone's way. 

Oh, and get an isle seat. Someone told me to get a window seat because you can rest against it, and you have control over the window (shutting the shade when they nap), so I got a window seat. Boy, that was a mistake. Yeah I had control of the window shade, and Baker kind of napped for a little bit, but when he was awake, he wanted to stand on my lap and he's wobbly and his moves are unexpected at times and he kept hitting his head against the side of the plane. Then he'd cry. Then people would give me mean looks. Not fun. Oh and crawling across two people to make your way out of the seat is super fun with a baby. Just get an isle seat peeps. Then when your kid gets fussy, you can stand and bounce him and disturb nobody.

Before you board, ask the flight attendant at the kiosk if the plane is full. If it's not, you can bring your car seat on, which in my case, made the flight a lot more pleasant. On the flight there, there wasn't a seat vacant. On the flight back, we had the whole back row to ourselves! Baker stayed in his car seat and slept 95% of the time. When he was awake, he happily played with his toys as he sat in his carseat. It was blissful.

I also came to terms with people who roll their eyes at you or give dirty looks when your baby gets fussy and cries. I realize these people probably don't have kids, or if they do, they're sucky, impatient, non-sympathetic parents and their eye roll invites bad karma to their parenting life. I was trying my best and that means I had nothing to apologize for.

I realized there are amazing, kind, helpful people out there who see a mom traveling by herself with a crap load of stuff (stroller, car seat, luggage, etc) and offer to help.

I also realized that thankfully, there were more people willing to help than there were eye rollers.

Anyway, I'll let my instagram photos tell the rest of the story. We had a blast. It was so so so good seeing Andrew and even better seeing him with his son. We laughed, played, did all the touresty things, ate delicious sea food, and enjoyed our time as a family. Seattle was beautiful and amazing. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

 

{ As of late... }

I haven't posted about our little family in awhile, so I figured now was as good a time as any to get caught up. Last Sunday I convinced Andrew to play hookie and skip out on the last 2 hours of church for a little drive up the canyon. Some might say that's a sin, but I justified by stating it was quality family time. Plus, let's be honest. 3 hours of church is ridiculous, especially when you have babies. It makes nap time impossible, which makes the whole day extra exciting. Isn't there a rumor going around somewhere that someone's sister-in-law's, cousin's, babysitter's ward is the "test" ward for 2 hour meetings instead of 3? Can that be my ward? (For those of you reading this wondering what the heck a ward is, it's what we call our church house congregation. There's so many of us, we can't fit into one building, so we split into areas or wards) Not that anyone reads this anymore.
Anywho, we drove up to Tibble Fork Resivoir and it was lovely! It made me want to go fishing & camping, and it also reminded me of the time I got my dad's little black 2 wheel drive truck stuck in a river stream as I was coming home from camping with some friends at 3am. Luckily someone with a bigger truck heard us splashing around, trying to push the truck out of the water and towed me out.  Don't tell Dad.

 This morning, we got up at the crack of dawn to attend the Sandy City Balloon Festival. It was neat and I took some cool pics of the balloons. This is my fav....until I noticed the old man fist pumping/photo bombing my frame. Ha. Nice ol' man, nice.

And last, I can't get enough of this little drool monster. He' sitting up now, which is adorable. My friend commented on Instagram that in every picture, he has a steady stream of drool coming out of his mouth. I had to laugh, because it's true! One of these days I'll find a little tooth popping through!

{ two wolves }

I love this. 

Partially because I've got a little Cherokee in me, but mostly because it's a battle I fight.

Every. Day.

I don't know when I started becoming so pesimistic. So envious. So angry. Being the type A personality that I am, I tend to dwell on and get really passionate about things. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is when you dwell on the negative and can't let it go. I'd take things personally. I was insecure. I'd become so envious that it would lead to disliking people. People who never did anything to me. I'd resent their achievements. It was awful.

Over time, the evil wolf inside me became the alpha male. I let it take over and it showed. I'd call my friends to complain about something and I'd go on and on and they'd be like "Well...try to see the silver lining or the bright side!" and I'd be like "WHAT?! Take my side! Tell me I'm right! DAMN IT!" and they'd be like "Peace out, sista..."

Then one day it dawned on me. It was like stepping outside of myself and watching me with a new set of eyes. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't even know that person. 

It's taken me awhile to get back to a good, happy place. It's a true, concerted effort that I have to give each day. I hope someday I won't have to try so hard. That I'll get to the point where I feel love for everyone and give the benefit of the doubt more often. I'm trying to nurse the good wolf back with acts of kindness, compliments, service, appreciation, and compassion. Truly trying to live a Christ like life.

Still, there are times the alpha male growls inside me and I have to suppress it. I know it won't go away at once...or that it will ever totally disappear, but I'm happier when I feel joy, peace, and kindness. 

I'm feeding the good wolf.

{ know me }

I saw this on Simply Modern Mommy and couldn't resist.

 

Making : a cover for my Sterilite 3 drawer storage cart
Cooking : roasted garlic cauliflower for dinner - makes the house stink like garlic, but it's divine!
Drinking : water (but i'd love a dirty diet dr pepper! yum!)
Reading : Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (so far, so good!) I just finished Saving CeeCee Honeycutt (great, quick read!)
Wanting : a new house with a garage & basement - someday
Looking : at my computer desk, realizing i should have bought the bigger desk top
Playing : with Baker after his nap
Wasting : time on the internet - my achilles heel
Sewing : buntings
Wishing : Baker would fall asleep
Enjoying : spending time with my mom while she's on summer break
Waiting : a mocha freeze from Costco
Liking : the "Something's Gotta Give" soundtrack - French music completes me
Wondering : when we should start trying to get preg again
Loving : my new flat iron. goodbye frizzy hair
Hoping : my weight loss efforts will pay off
Marveling : at my baby boy- he is my joy & my life
Needing : a pool - it is hot!
Smelling : my perfume - cool citrus basil body spray from bath & body works
Wearing : my new metallic platform wedges
Following :
Noticing : my gray hair regrowth - time for a visit to the salon
Learning : how to rip up old tile and re-tile so I can do my bathroom
Thinking : i should get off the computer and do something more productive
Bookmarking : DIY websites (more like pinning)  

Opening :  a new package of binkies - who knows where they get lost  

Giggling : at Baker's new tricks & giggles 

Feeling : grateful

Now it’s your turn. Leave me a comment with a link to your site if you do this so I can get to know you too!

{ motherhood monday: things you don't expect post baby }

There are some things about motherhood that nobody really tells you. Like even in the "What to Expect" books (which I read front to back), it never talks about "how to maintain friendships after you have a baby" or "how not to go crazy staying inside all day alone with your infant".

When the hubs and I decided that I would stay home and take care of Baker, I was thrilled. To be honest, I didn't particularly love my 9-5, and I wanted to be with my baby as much as I possibly could. I had visions of hanging out with the other stay at home moms in the neighborhood, laughing over silly things our kids did while chatting in the sunshine. I would finally be a part of that elite group I had longed to join for years!

Unfortunately, after I had Baker, I ended up with a pretty bad case of the baby blues which caused me to be an emotional wreck. I was crazy paranoid about going out with my baby, fearing that he'd get RSV and be lifeflighted to Primary Childrens Hospital (a fear planted in my brain by my pediatrician at Baker's 2 week checkup - thanks doc). I stayed cooped up in my house and slowly started getting delirious from cabin fever. It didn't help that Andrew was out of town frequently and the weather was crap, so I couldn't even go on a walk. I'm actually surprised my blog posts didn't start turning into something that looked like "inside all day make shan a dull girl..." repeated over and over again.

On top of that, some of my stay at home mommy friends that lived close were starting to move from the neighborhood. When I found out they were all moving in the same month, I broke down and had major anxiety. It's not like I didn't have any other friends with kids around me, but just having those two neighbors move sent me over the edge.

I started to get more an more lonely. I loved being at home with Baker, but I longed for and missed the adult connections I used to have. I tried to keep myself busy with projects, but there were times I just wanted to sit with a friend and chat in person. I found myself getting more and more depressed until one day I gave myself a slap in the face and said, "Snap out of it girl! You're fun, outgoing, and damn it, just because you have a baby now, doesn't mean you can't have a social life!!"

I decided that I needed to be the one to reach out to other moms in the area. I got on facebook and asked other moms in our area if they wanted to start a play group. I was thrilled with the response! I started calling other friends too - if I couldn't get out, a phone conversation was better than nothing at all!

A few days ago, my friend and I ran to Sonic for happy hour (1/2 price diet dr pepper? yes please!). We had to cut our hang out short because Baker started to get fussy and I didn't have my nursing cover, but just that little outting did wonders for my soul! She probably has no idea, but it meant a lot to me and lifted my spirits!

I still struggle with loneliness and feeling isolated, but it's getting better. Did or do any of you get lonely being a stay at home mom? How do you stay busy and connected, especially with an infant?