{ the great escape }

Baker is teething, which has made nap time a nightmare. I know he’s tired from the way he rubs his eyes and boy does the kid get grouchy, yet when I put him in his crib, after I’ve rocked him and he’s drank a bottle, he immediately stands at his crib screaming and crying. 

I’ve tried the whole cry it out thing. So far, it hasn’t worked. He was on such a good schedule and suddenly, he hates his crib. He’ll sleep in the car just fine, but I hate to get him used to napping in his car seat! 

Today I took a different approach. It had to work. I was at my whits end. After trying to cry it out a few times, I finally laid down next to his crib on the floor and pretended to sleep. He stood there, looking down at me like I was crazy and instead of crying, he talked to me. 

“Maaa!! Mama!!! MmmmmaaaaAAAA!!!!” 

I didn’t move. 

He shook the crib. “Ma!!” 

I still didn’t move. I laid as still as I could. After yelling my name for a few minutes didn’t work, he decided he’d use the all powerful word. 

“No! Nnnnooooooooo! No no!” 

He yelled down at me, as if to tell me my plan wouldn’t work. He knew I was there. He knew I would eventually get up and then he’d be free, but I stuck to my guns and played dead. 

Soon, he stopped talking and decided to walk the length of his crib about 40 times, the way a warden would walk the cell block, slowly peering at the prisoners to make sure they were in their right place. He was trying to break me, but I was unbreakable. After each round, he’d shake the crib, look down at me (I peeked from time to time to see what he was doing) and he’d make another round. 

Finally, after about 20 minutes, he stopped. I held my breath and listened as he laid down. YES! Victory! I began to celebrate in my mind, until I heard him shoot up. I had made no noise, but it was as if he had sensed my excitement, that he checked to see if I was still there. This continued for another 5 minutes. 

At last, he was asleep. I could tell by his breathing that he was getting into a deep sleep and I plotted my escape. I slowly, ever so quietly lifted my head to the door that was cracked open 3 inches.

There, staring back at me, was the cat. 

I was a prisoner, on the brink of escape, silently pleading with the snitch that spotted the breakout. “Nooo!!!” I screamed in my head, trying with all my might to use my telepathic cat to human powers. “DO NOT COME IN KITTY! DO NOT MEOW! DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY!"

He peered at me and cocked his head to the side as if to say, "What's in it for me?" I plead with him in my head, but to no avail. He pushed the door open wider and came in. I frantically listened to see if Baker would wake up. 

The cat ran under the crib, just out of my reach. I tried to swat him away, but he confused my furry with affection and began purring loudly. “No!!!” I screamed in my head.

Then he meowed. 

Baker suddenly shot up, began crying, and the cat dashed out of the room. I imagined escape alarms sounding loudly as the warden caught me. I was trapped again. 

“Damn you cat! DAMN YOU!!!” I screamed in my head and laid back down, quickly and quietly. I laid still, trying not to breath, but feeling as though I would cry at any minute. Maybe I should just get up. Maybe my escape wasn't planned well. This is my life. This is my sentence.  

Baker watched me for a minute. Then, as if my prayers were answered, he slowly laid back down. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t move for another 5 minutes until I heard his rhythmic breathing again and knew, it was now or never. 

I got up to an army crawl stance. I had to make this quick. 

With ninja like skills and without making a peep, I made my way towards the door, pausing for just a second to see if the warden was still out. He slept soundly. 

I made it past the doorway, and quickly, yet silently pulled the door shut behind me and held my breath. 

Silence. 

He was still out. 

And I was free!!!

{the night I thought I was dying}

I've been sick. Really really sick. It started with a mild sore throat and a small case of the sniffles, but it soon turned into something worse. By Monday night, I was miserable. Every muscle in my body ached, I had a terrible headache, I was freezing one minute and on fire the next, and I felt like I was going to puke at any minute. I knew it was probably just a cold, but a little voice in my head (you know, the one that thinks its a doctor and needs to over diagnose everything?) told me it was something more. It had to be. I mean, who gets that sick, that fast with just a cold. It had to be something else.

I thought a bath would help me feel better and thought the hot water would help steam out my fever. While it was soothing to breathe in the scent of lavender (love my lavender Epsom salts), it was totally uncomfortable sitting in my teensy tub. I kept rotating from sitting up, letting the water cover my legs while my torso froze and scooting down, scrunching my knees up to let my torso soak in the water while my legs froze. (How many of you also have a tiny tub? I want one I can stretch out in and actually submerge myself in instead of sitting in 10" of water that only covers 1/2 my body).

After the tub, I decided to go to bed early. It was about 8:30 and instead of turning my phone off and going to bed, I utilized our recently upgraded data plan and got on Web MD. As I was searching cold/flu symptoms, a thought suddenly crossed my mind. I had just recently finished my period (TMI? Maybe, but when have I held back recently? Proceed with caution) We all know the products women use during their cycle, one of which is a tampon, and there are certain precautions you're supposed to take. How many of you have read the little insert that comes with every box? You know, the one that talks about TSS or Toxic Shock Syndrome? Well, suddenly, I thought, "OMG- what if I am that 1% who got TSS?! IT'S DEADLY!!"

I immediately searched symptoms. The first on the list was confusion. I looked up from my phone, tilted my head, and thought for a minute. Was I confused? I couldn't think straight, so I decided I was. The next symptom: General ill-feeling. Why yes, I was feeling generally ill! Headaches? Check. High fever, sometimes accompanied by chills. OMG, check. Low blood pressure. I took my pulse and counted, not really sure what I should be looking for, but thought my pulse felt slightly slower. I was seriously getting concerned. Muscle aches, check. Nausea and/or vomiting. Check.

I began seriously freaking out. I had all of these symptoms. The next on the list were organ failure (usually kidneys and liver), redness of eyes, mouth, throat, and seizures. OMG seizures!? I ran to the bathroom to examine my eyes. They weren't red, but the inside of my mouth was...which it usually is. I wondered if I should tell Andrew. Should I go to the ER? How much is my copay? After having a mild panic attack, I decided I'd wait to see if any of my organs failed or for a seizure. After all, I didn't want to worry Andrew.

I spent the next few hours, watching TV, but would mute it periodically and pausing to see if I was feeling anything different in my stomach. I wasn't sure what organ failure felt like, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't happening to me, and for some reason, I thought muting the TV would help detect anything. Perhaps organ failure is noisy? Like the sound of an engine shutting down. Hmm... I waited until I was too tired to worry anymore and figured if something did happen in the middle of the night, Andrew would find me. Just hopefully not dead. Lucky for me, it just turned out to be a terrible cold. I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I did before, but from the way my nose was running, I was sure it was just a cold. After all, a runny nose wasn't a TSS symptom. *phew* I vowed after that to never look up any other possible sicknesses on Web MD. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this...

{the evening I felt a slight breeze}

This time of the year, the days are really, really hot. It seems to me that the hottest part of the day is about 6:00, so it surprised me a bit to feel a slight breeze in my nether region as I walked into IKEA after work. Because it was so hot, I just figured I had a little swass and walking into the store allowed a little air circulation, thus causing the cooling breeze...

....or so I thought.

Fast forward 4 hours. It's 10:20 and aside from my hour long trip to IKEA, I've spend the majority of my evening cleaning, de-cluttering, and organizing my craft room. The hubs has been at his parents house all night helping his dad work on their deck, and he just got home, walked upstairs, and found me in the office as I was changing the Pandora station checking Facebook. The first words out of his mouth are, "Hey babe, how was your....." Something catches him off guard and then I hear, "Shan, what in the world did you do to your pants!?"

"Huh?"

"Your pants- there's a huge hole in them!"

I stand up and my hand reaches behind me, expecting to feel a hole about 2 inches, but instead I feel my underwear...a LOT of underwear. A wave of panic rushes over me as my sympathetic husband begins hysterically laughing, keeling over.

"How long has it been there!?"

My mind races and suddenly, through the confusion of it all, I remember hearing a faint ripping noise around 4:00 at work as I sat down in my chair. But what did it get caught on? What caused the initial hole?! Had I snagged it on something and then amplified the tear when I sat down?

My mind is boggled, and then the real embarrassment hits me, but I start cracking up too. I had been wandering IKEA for about an hour. And it was packed. And I remember some girl standing in the check out line behind me talking on her phone, kind of whispering and then cracking up...and then I'm pretty sure I heard her camera phone. OMG! She was taking a picture of my HUGE hole in my pants! I didn't think anything of it then, but now it all makes sense! The man quickly walking past me, chuckling, I thought, because I had tripped on a crack and kind of rolled my ankle and did a funny, hop/stumble/walk. Now I realize he was laughing because I had tripped AND I had a huge hole in my pants.

I'm just glad I decided not to go grocery shopping too....

{sojo fair}

So Saturday night, after we got home from camping, Andrew and I took Ty to the Salt Lake County fair in South Jordan. It had been raining on and off all weekend, and I was a little weary of the dark skies looming above us, but we went anyway. I mean really, who could pass up seeing prized livestock and The Clogging Grannies!? Even the smell of funnel cake and the thrill of riding a few rickety carnival rides that could fall over at any minute was just too good to pass by! This was the petting zoo. Now, I don't mind a little petting zoo with pygmy goats, miniature horses, and the occasional bunny, but this one was ridiculous. They had a baby cow that I swear was only a month old, just laying there, looking all sad and longing for it's mom! When I saw the baby kangaroo, I about flipped! Now, I'm not a member of PITA or anything, but seriously, don't baby animals need their mothers!? This WT lady was holding it in a dirty blanket, next to loud, wild kids, charging $10 for a picture with it, and the poor kangaroo looked like it was having an anxiety attack. Poor thing.

Ty thought this guy looked pretty happy though. I just love Pygmy Goats! This li'l guy is full grown, even though he's so itty bitty.
So, after seeing a little livestock (no pun intended), we decided it was time for some rides. The first one we saw was the Gravitron. I know what you're thinking. "Hey, isn't that the one that looks like a spaceship where you stand against the walls inside and it spins like, a billion miles an hour and flattens you against the wall making it nearly impossible to move or breath?!"

Yes, that's the one. Sounds fun doesn't it?

The minute Ty and I saw it, we looked at each other as giddy kids do when they're ready to throw all sense and reason out the window, and begged Andrew to go on it with us. Since Andrew isn't really a "roller coaster, twirly ride" kinda guy, I begged even harder. (I know, I'm such a good wife!) It didn't take much convincing, and he reluctantly agreed.
As we stepped inside the Gravitron, we kept telling Andrew how much he was going to love it. When we got into position with out backs against the padded wall, the door closed and we waited for the fun to begin. Then it started spinning. At first it was fun. We were laughing. We were enjoying ourselves. I looked at Andrew. "See, honey? Not so bad, right?" Then the ride controller took it up a few notches. Kids started screaming. It started getting harder to breathe. Ty started laughing frantically as one does when they know something is terribly wrong, but what's happening is supposed to be fun, and it kind of still is, so you have this nervous, crazy laugh. You know the one. Andrew didn't make a sound. It took all the energy I had to hold the camera out in front of us to capture the moment.
This is Ty laughing frantically. I think he enjoyed himself.
This picture is worth a thousand words. I promise I didn't ask him to pose that way.

I'm pretty sure Andrew hated the ride.
When we the ride stopped, it was pouring so we stayed inside the Gravitron. Ty thought the ride was a blast, as did I. Andrew on the other hand, was about to puke. He didn't say much, but he looked green and mad! Unbeknown to me, he announced how motion sick he gets after riding spinney rides. Seriously, if I would have known that, I wouldn't have begged him to go on the ride! Poor guy! I felt sooo bad!
I think this picture captures our emotions perfectly.

The highlight of the night was the food. Ty waited in line forever for a carmel apple, and when he was finally served one, the lady (who seriously looked like a man...I'm still not sure to be honest) handed him the one that was covered in flies. She shooed them away and gave it to Ty. He reluctantly accepted it and looked at it like this. I asked him why he didn't ask for another one, and he just kind of shrugged and said, "I don't know...I didn't think I could!"

Not to gross you out, but he did eat it. We figured a few flies never hurt anyone, right? We also enjoyed a few scones, since they didn't have funnel cake. (I know, what kind of fair doesn't serve funnel cake?!) Then after walking around some more, we decided it was time to leave.

All in all, I think it was a good time!

{the uniform}

Okay, so I had to post about this. As you probably read in my last post, the fam and I made the trek up to Logan on Saturday for the classic car show. Everybody and their brother was there, and as we started walking around, looking at various cars, we started noticing a trend. No, it wasn't the cluster of shiny, restored vintage cars...it was the cluster of middle aged men! Now, if you know my dad, you know he loves his Hawaiian shirts. He's more into the subtle Hawaiian look and often pairs it with a khaki short, hat, and tennis shoes. I guess it's a popular trend with men his age. Proof: Look at the pictures below...

My dad is in the front. Notice the man to the left of him? Exact same outfit! Honestly, we were silently cracking up because they were identical! Watch on same hand, hat, khaki shorts, and almost the same shirt! And after taking a closer look at the picture, I noticed the man in the very back of the picture was also in the same attire! Well, right after I took this picture, we lost my dad in the huge crowd. He had gone ahead to look at more cars and was nowhere to be seen. We kept saying, "Oh! There he is! No...wait, that's not him...same outfit, just not him..." After seeing about a dozen men within a 50 foot radius that were all dressed alike, I decided I had to document it! They were everywhere! I was a woman on a mission, running after men who had the uniform on, while trying to take a discrete picture. I'd pretend to be taking a picture of something else, but really, I was documenting the trend!




I think Tommy Bahama was having a sale up in Logan...

{it's free to be nakie}

It's a known fact that people like to be nekkid- it's invigorating, devious, and freeing (in the privacy of your own home of course)! My hilarious friend Shellie just posted the funniest naked story ever and I had to share one of my own.

Way back in the day when I was a sophomore in high school, I was enjoying a nice, lazy Saturday, as most teenagers do. Around 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I decided to finally get ready for the day, and made my way upstairs to shower. Since I was the only one at home at the time, I spent the majority of my shower time belting out ballads by Maria Carey & Celine Dion (huge hits at the time). I finished up, turned the water off, and went to reach for a towel, but there was nothing on the towel rack. I was sopping wet, so I stood there for a minute dripping off. I still couldn't hear anyone, so I yelled out "MOM!!!" to see if maybe she was home and if she could bring me a towel, but there was no answer. I stood there for another minute freezing. Since nobody was home, and my room was only about 12 or 13 feet from the bathroom door, I thought I'd just make a run for it. I stepped out of the shower, opened the door to the bathroom, and bolted for my room. ***IMPORTANT DETAIL***My room is the first door at the top of the stairs at my parents house. Seriously, if a burglar decided to break into their house, my bedroom door is the first he'd see when looking up the staircase. It's the perfect view.

So there I was, making a mad dash to my room when I caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of my eye at the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly the world started moving in slow motion. I looked downstairs to see my brother's senior high school friends sitting in our living room. Surely, they had heard my performance in the shower, and now they were enjoying the finale. My bedroom door was closed, and it seemed embarrassment had ceased all brain functions because I couldn't figure out which way my door opened. This all happened in about 5 seconds of course, but it seemed like hours! I finally got the door opened, ran inside, and slammed the door behind me with my heart pounding. I could hear them downstairs now, some laughing and some awkwardly talking to each other. I was mortified! I waited until long after they left to come out and wondered how in the world I was going to finish up my sophomore year after what happened. Seniors heard me trying to sing, and saw me naked. Oh the humanity!

I can't really remember how I got through the next few weeks, seeing those boys in the halls, at my house, and at school sporting events. I think I just tried to play it off and not think about it, but I still remember the horror!

As you can see, I've illustrated the moment to give you a better idea of the horror. I've sensored out body parts to keep this post PG.